My big boys, you were all born in quick succession. There’s not even a year between the two oldest, and two years between the third. In short, three children in four years—which meant Mom and Dad were completely overwhelmed. That meant making you wait, feeling impatient, and longing for you to grow up. To make matters worse, that period of our lives was anything but easy. We went through some pretty extreme ups and downs.
I wanted to apologize. I regret that time.
Today, you have a little sister, but you’re much older now. You’re independent. The youngest of the three of you is six, which means this little sister was born during a calmer time in our lives. It also means Mom has time. And since she’ll be our last baby, Mom is taking her time. Every time, I regret… not the time I’m spending with her, but the time I didn’t spend—or rather, the time I didn’t have—with you.
Every time I stop to hold her in my arms, I regret not having done that more often with you. Every time I play with her, I regret the times I didn’t do that with you. Every time I hold her in my arms, just for my own pleasure, I regret not being able to cuddle you like that. I think of the many times I was breastfeeding the second one, holding the first one’s bottle in my other hand. All the times I brought all three of you into my bed at 5 a.m. to try to get a little more sleep. The few times I sat you down in front of the TV so I could doze off. All the times I watched you, crying because I was so overwhelmed. All those times I was running the vacuum with you clinging to my legs, begging for a little attention.
I feel guilty. Guilty for not having made the most of every moment with you. Guilty for taking the time—and spending it—with your little sister.
I’m trying to make the most of my time with your sister, but I want you to know that I’m sorry. I wish I’d had the time to spend more time with you. I’m making time for you now, but those little moments with you as babies will never come back.