I don’t think I’m the only one who’s often dreamed of being able to read minds. It would be so much easier if I could—then I’d be able to understand you so much better. My baby, I feel helpless when you cry and scream. All your needs are met, and yet you don’t seem to be doing well. At night, I think about you. Sometimes I wonder if you’re happy, if you’re comfortable with us, your family.
And then I remember these moments:
When I pick you up from daycare and you kick your teacher because there’s only one thing you want: to snuggle up to your mom.
That mischievous smile you give me when you grab something you’re not supposed to take…
The pride in your eyes when we look at each other in the mirror in your room…
Our moments of joy will always outweigh the difficult ones. These memories help me get through the dark days—those days when you’re more sensitive.
I wish I could better understand that little red light that’s always flashing in your head, keeping you on high alert all the time. I wish I could comfort you by holding you in my arms, but with you, it’s so different. I have to let you calm down on your own while still making you feel my presence. My mother’s heart aches at this feeling of helplessness.
Know this, my darling: no matter what difficulties lie ahead, I’ll be there. And even though I don’t have superpowers, I’ll find the resources I need to help you, understand you, and support you.
I will never give up.