I often wondered if having a child was a good idea. I didn't doubt my ability to be a mother; I feared that my child would have to live in an ugly world. I wavered between experiencing that incomparable happiness and sparing my child by leaving it in nothingness.
Later, when I had a boyfriend, a dog, and a home, I put that question aside and chose to get pregnant, acting as if nothing was wrong. My desire to be a mother was stronger. I started asking myself that question again when my son’s arrival became more imminent. What had I done? All these terrorist attacks, pollution, global warming, rampant diseases… into what kind of world was I going to bring my little baby!? Was I willing to subject him to this world just so I could have my own baby, to love and be loved unconditionally, to see what his smile and face would look like, to be hugged by his little hands, and to receive Mother’s Day cards?
Then one day, while watching a TV show, a character asked himself the same question I had, and his mother-in-law said to him, “This is how the world changes—good people raising their children right.” "That's how the world changes: good people raising their children well.". Suddenly, I felt light. Yes, that's exactly what I would do—I was going to raise my baby right. I would make him a good person. That way, we could even things out, and maybe one day, the number of good people would outnumber the bad ones.
My baby is here now, and I no longer feel guilty. I'm going to do everything in my power to protect him, even though I know full well that people with bad intentions will one day cross his path. "Kill them with kindness" "Finish them off with your kindness"...that's what I'll tell him. Ever since the day he was born, I've been trying to think more carefully about my actions and the words I say. I wonder if my son would be proud of me. I wonder if I would be proud of him if he did this or said that. I tell myself that if his parents are good, he’ll want to follow their example. If all new parents are like that, that’s good news. So ever since that day, I’ve had hope for humanity.