When I was about to give birth to my first child, I had my labor induced. With a knot of fear in my stomach, I woke up way too early and wrote this letter. Three days before my now 5-year-old big boy’s very first day of school (“and a half, Mom!”), I reread it. I connected it to all the emotions I’m feeling right now… and it soothed my little mom’s heart… I want to share all of this with every other mom who’s expecting her first child or experiencing all the other “firsts” that a first child brings…
January 16, 2014. THE big day, 40 weeks…
My beautiful Benjamin,
Here we are, we’ve made it together. May 12 is now far behind us. It’s no longer a matter of months or weeks, but of hours before I hold you in my arms, before I take on the most important role of my life—one that will keep me on the edge of my seat, one eye open, my heart racing until the very end: that of being your mom.
With just under two hours to go before we begin our big team effort, all kinds of emotions are churning in my gut. You’re so deeply wanted, little one—you have no idea! However, maternity leave, as wonderful as it is, leaves way too much time to think before the babies arrive... Instinct gets buried under a mountain of expectations that, I’m sure, you must have sensed.
Fear of change, of the unknown, stress, and feelings of inadequacy tried to take the place of the joy, excitement, and love that your arrival has given Dad and me ever since you’ve been here... You’ll quickly learn that the human brain, as fascinating as it is, is sometimes very poorly designed. It sees danger where there isn’t any because of those two apparent “monsters” that are really just two big pranksters: the unknown and change. Often, we realize afterward that things are actually much better this way… But before that, phew! It’s a roller coaster ride!
One thing is certain: you’re here to change my life—our lives. We’re going to have to adapt, find our rhythm, and get to know each other. It’s going to take time, but I know we’ll get there.
Hormones, too… Oh my god! I don’t know how it is for boys… I’m not one, but for girls, it’s pretty disorienting. They make you think and do things you never thought you’d be capable of. The worst part is the mood swings. But hey, your dad is so laid-back (and used to it—he’s been living with me for 10 years, after all) that he knows exactly how to handle me… You can turn to him if you need to 😉 He’s pretty amazing, by the way… But I know you already know that!
I don’t claim to know everything, but I believe that parenting is something you learn as the days go by—at the same time that you’re learning to become a human being (with our help, I’ll admit). So I expect to get some things really right, make some big mistakes, and have a few hits and misses along the way… We’ll need to be understanding toward you, and you toward us. But the foundation is there, solid as a rock: love.
I know, it sounds a little corny, a little sentimental, but I look at how Grandpa and Grandma managed with your aunt and me. It wasn’t easy—far from it! But the foundation was unshakable… That’s the symbol of their success as a couple, as parents, and as grandparents.
So these are the values I want to pass on to you: love, self-confidence, empathy, and boldness. Learn to go for it in life, to get what you truly want for yourself, and not to hesitate to think outside the box to achieve it. Learn to listen to yourself, among all the other voices that will be part of your life. Never let them steer you away from YOUR TRUE SELF... It’s rare for it to be wrong…
Always be kind to the people you meet. Grandpa often told your dad, “The people you meet on the way up are the same ones you’ll meet on the way down…” That way, you’ll never go under.
Finally, my sweet little love, enjoy life. To the fullest! Live every minute. Yes, my pregnancy went by fast: a fraction of a second… But I savored every little bit, every moment, every milestone. Of course I’ll miss your little kicks, but I know I enjoyed them enough not to regret them.
That’s the lesson I’d most like you to take away. Life goes by fast. It’s beautiful, but dizzying. Take the time to breathe and look around you to soak it all in… It’ll pay you back in kind, you’ll see…
There you go—we’re ready to move on to the next stage. We’ve got a lot of work to do together before we can snuggle up close and cuddle. There’s nothing to do, my love, other than trust our instincts, have faith, and take the plunge… So, are you ready? 1-2-3… GO!
I love you.
Mom xxx