“With her schoolbag in hand, she leaves home early in the morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile”*
The day I found out you were nestled in my womb, I listened to this ABBA song on repeat during a round trip from Montreal to Quebec City. A song about time passing, about children growing up... Even though I was still eight months away from meeting you and realizing just how much you would become my whole world, my eyes welled up as I listened to those lyrics.
That tiny, fragile little creature I was about to give birth to—the only person to whom, at least in my mind, I would truly matter—well, she was going to leave me one day. Even then, I understood that you would never belong to me, that I would be just one person among many on your path. That every minute that passed in your presence would be one more step toward your independence…
Those words I used to hum to myself took on their full meaning this month, as we experienced our first back-to-school season together.
I walked you to school with your backpack—too big for you—filled with all your questions and fears. Watching your little body walk through those two big doors felt like a point of no return, the beginning of the end. I know it sounds a bit heavy, but that’s how I “felt” it; I was slowly starting to lose you…
In just one month, it feels like you’ve aged a year. You, who never went through that “I can do it—I’ll do it all by myself” phase—seeing you suddenly embrace this new beginning with such confidence fills me with pride. But at the same time, I feel blind—blind to your day-to-day life: I can make out the broad strokes, but I’ll never have the true picture of your new life. The one you’re going to create in your own image, build, and sometimes endure…
It’s true what that song said: time slips through our fingers. You were little. Little by little, you’re getting a little bigger.
“Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture
And save it from the funny tricks of time
Slipping through my fingers”*
*Lyrics from the song “Slipping Through My Fingers” written by Björn Ulvaeus and Benny Andersson of the band ABBA.