Sometimes I think it would be helpful for everyone—moms and non-moms alike—to compile a list of phrases that should never, under any circumstances, be said to a woman who is pregnant, who wants to get pregnant, or who is no longer pregnant.
You might think that an encyclopedia of forbidden phrases isn’t really necessary, that common sense is enough… Well, I can confirm that NO, it isn’t, and I’ll back up my point with some phrases I’ve personally heard.
• “Stop thinking about it, and you’ll see—that’s when you’ll get pregnant”: NO. When you’ve been trying to get pregnant for three years without success, when you’ve been taking medication for two years, when you see fertility doctors every three months, and when you’re injecting yourself with hormones every day, you can’t just stop thinking about it. Everyone knows a woman who stopped trying and who, a few years later, miraculously managed to get pregnant. But even without knowing her, I’m convinced that this woman made the decision on her own and didn’t follow the advice of someone else who knows nothing about her situation or her current state of mind—and, above all, someone who doesn’t suffer from infertility.
• If you can’t have children naturally, maybe it’s because you’re not meant to have them: Believe it or not, someone actually said this to me, to which I politely replied, “If I weren’t MEANT to have children, I would have been born in an era when assisted reproduction didn’t exist.” I don’t know what this person expected me to say: “You’re absolutely right—I’ve been trying for three years and have tried everything (I’ve even thought about dusting off my old white magic books from high school), and my whole life I’ve pictured myself with a husband, a house, a dog, and kids, but I might as well give it all up—I’m probably not cut out to be a mom!!!”
• Are you pregnant?: Thanks for telling me I look fat. In my aerobics instructor’s defense, I’d given birth just four months earlier, but still, that’s a little insulting. I felt like telling her, “I actually come to your classes hoping to lose those few extra pounds.” As if to make matters better, she then added, “I also thought you looked too young to be pregnant.” At 32 with two kids, I wasn’t quite sure how to react to all that. So, I look too young to have kids, and on top of that, I’m fat.
I’ve been lucky, though, to have people around me who respect my journey, but if you’ve heard other comments that deserve to be included in “How to Talk to Women for Dummies (Pregnancy Edition),” write them in the comments—I’d love to read them. At the end of the day, it’s better to laugh it off, even if in the heat of the moment, you’d rather tell them to get lost!
Valérie Louise Pesant