My love,
Forgive me for taking my time to come back to you. They say the heart is elastic; it’s true. I felt its capacity when it made a huge space for this little being who made us a family. On the other hand, my body didn’t have the same capacity to handle this overflow of love. Unfortunately, you paid the price.
My overburdened body and my brain full of milk kept you at a distance. I could no longer find a place for you near me. Your giant hands, compared to my baby’s tiny little hands, seemed clumsy and out of place. Your mouth near my breasts threatened that fragile bubble of breastfeeding I had created. So, I kept you away from me for a while.
Despite the distance I put between us, I fell in love with the father you’ve become. That present and gentle father, utterly devoted to his son, completely stole my heart. These changes within me made me doubt everything. I was terrified at the thought of becoming cold and tearing apart this little one’s family. I was certain I’d never go back to that time when your place by my side felt natural, passionate, and reassuring.
You, on the other hand, gave me time; you waited your turn. You let me discover motherhood on my own terms, in my own little world. You stayed close to us, patient and respectful, impressed by the bond that had formed between your son and me. Without saying a word about that rule forbidding you from touching those larger-than-life breasts. I know—it was torture. Forgive me.
Eventually, you saw me emerge from my daze. My eyes had been sleeping… at last. Then they cleared enough to see in you not only the essence of a father, but also that of a husband and a lover. I hadn’t forgotten you—I promise. My brain slowly drained of milk to finally make room for adult conversations. I then felt something great awaken within me, something I’d almost forgotten: my uniqueness. I was finally going to be able to invite another person into my bubble, but once again, it wasn’t you.
Forgive me. It’s not fair, I know. It was supposed to be your turn. This guest—she just barged in. We didn’t even know she was in the running… She stole your spot sneakily and without warning. I couldn’t abandon her again; I couldn’t ignore her. It was me! A distant version of myself, a version of my essence that wasn’t a mother. I hadn’t taken care of her in so long. She was lacking in everything. I washed her, I rocked her, I fed her big spoonfuls of grown-up words. I filled her up with time alone with herself—even in the bathroom. We enjoyed our bodies, which no longer hurt. We took our time, together, rediscovering each other. She told me about balance, equilibrium, and you—that man who made her feel so good, the one who made her laugh, who comforted her, and who brought her pleasure.
She was the one who brought me back to you. In the end, she wasn’t so badly intended after all, that little minx. She didn’t steal your place; she simply wanted to make sure she’d be there when you took her back. Thank God, because it’s with her that you’re most genuinely yourself. It’s with her that you share that connection, that sense of humor, that love.
My love, forgive us for taking our time getting back to you. Forgive us for pushing you aside for a while. We miss you. You can come back now.
Your wife and the mother of your children