My partner and I had already had THE conversation about marriage. We preferred to wait until we had our own home. But when I suggested we just have two witnesses and show up at city hall, he thought it was a really appealing idea!
I still presented some other possibilities alongside that appealing idea—just to explore all our options. We finally decided to get married, but with a few more guests than just our two witnesses.
So I made an appointment at a boutique in Montreal to try on dresses after spending many hours window-shopping online. I went alone, with no expectations and no other goal than to find out what would look best on me.
The sales consultant listened to the ideas we had for the big day. I told her I didn’t really have any idea what I wanted, but one thing was certain: my dress would be ivory or white.
I must have tried on at least twenty dresses. There were some I fell in love with and others where I thought, “Oh, no way.” I sent a few photos to my friend to get her opinion. Thank goodness for social media when we live 500 km apart!
Finally, I bought my dress! I thought I looked so beautiful and felt so good in it. I’d dared to show off my curves for all to see. I’d found the perfect dress for our wedding.
In the car, I couldn’t believe it. I had my dress! My wedding dress! A real fairy tale!
Once I got home, I started to panic! I kept telling myself how stupid I’d been: buying a wedding dress with only my cell phone to guide me. I had doubts—big doubts!
I looked at the photos I’d exchanged with my friend. As I looked at them, I thought the whole thing was awful. I started picturing my wedding and hearing other people’s judgments about my choice of dress. I was feeling a lot of anxiety. Even more so when I realized it was impossible for me to return the dress so I could take my time and shop around. Damn impulsiveness!
My partner went out to run an errand, so I took the dress out of its cover, put on my high heels and my veil. I thought I looked beautiful; I was gorgeous in my own eyes. Feelings of well-being and self-compassion washed over me. I promised myself I’d work on this before my wedding, so that my fears would remain just fears. So that the only judgment of me that matters would be my own.