It’s well known that when grieving, there are several stages to go through. This isn’t my first time. In fact, over the course of my life, I’ve had to face this more often than many people do in their entire lives. Whether at work, in our love lives, or in any other area of our lives, we’ve all had to grieve at some point—from the smallest to the biggest losses. The stages remain the same every time.
However, when it comes to death, the grieving process plays out differently. I’ve encountered death in many ways. Each time, I’ve moved through the stages more or less quickly, depending on the role each person played in my life. But this time, I’ve gotten stuck at a specific stage: anger.
As I write this, it’s been ten days since you left us—you, my best friend from my teenage years, my first roommate, my partner in crime. It wasn’t life that decided this. It was you, and you alone. You are the first suicide I’ve had to face, and let me tell you, it leaves a bitter taste. A strange mix of anger and confusion. Deep down in my heart right now, it’s mostly anger.
I’m angry at you—I’d be lying if I said otherwise. I’m angry at the decision you made; I’m angry at the way you left. I’m angry that you left nothing behind but broken hearts and endless questions. I’m angry at you because you didn’t say anything, didn’t ask for anything. Anger is part of the grieving process, but I can’t seem to move on.
I’m sad that you left so many people behind. I’m sad when I think about your son. He’s too young to understand why Mommy left. Too young to understand why Mommy will never come back.
My friend, I love you and I’ll always love you, but I know you know me well enough to understand all the anger I feel toward you right now. Let me be angry with you for a little while longer, because this is such a hard pill to swallow…
To everyone who isn’t feeling well; to those whose dark thoughts are so overwhelming that they prevent you from seeing the beautiful colors life has to offer: know that there are people behind you who are willing to do anything to keep you by their side. There are so many resources available—please don’t make such a drastic decision. The people you leave behind may never get over it.
Bye, my friend—I hope you found what you were looking for by leaving us this way.