No matter what we want or what we do, we can't control everything. Ever since I saw that faint line on the pregnancy test, I've been constantly looking for signs that this time was the right one. I wrote down all my symptoms—my mood swings, my big appetite, the aches and pains— to my chest. All these signs served to reassure me that this little being was inside me.
Every morning, I tracked its growth on my app. It was the size of a sesame seed to the size of a grain of rice; it grew to the size of a Smarties. Undeniably, my trips to the restroom always ended with a visual inspection of the toilet paper. A check that served to make sure there was no trace of blood. Don’t lie—you did the same thing during the months you were carrying a child. As if that absence were proof that everything was fine.
And yet, one morning I sensed that something had changed. I felt a void. JI understood that something something wasn't quite right. You just get a feeling about these things. I tried to reassure myself by telling myself that everything was fine, and I started my day by repeating to myself that I had to stay positive for it to work out.
And there I was! A few hours later, I found myself in the hospital emergency room waiting area with regular cramps, overcome by a deep sadness. That visit lasted more than 16 hours. Since a miscarriage is irreversible, you can understand that we were put at the back of the line. Those long hours during which I knew that the little one Smarties was no longer there. He was gone. Despite the cramps, it was the overwhelming sense of disappointment that took over.
Some women will never go through the painful experience of a miscarriage and will be able to get pregnant within the first few months. One thing is certain: the desire to have children requires a certain willingness to let go, and the first few months can leave us feeling like we’ve failed. With this project, we must acknowledge that we have no control over the situation.