In life, there are some things we can keep secret and others we must speak out about loud and clear. I wanted so badly to forget it, to hide it—I was ashamed. From the moment it happened, I wanted to erase it from my memory—it hurt so much! But one day, it caught up with me, and I realized that I should have spoken out against HIM—the one who raped me. It was 16 years ago, and yet I remember it as if it were yesterday.
When you realize the atrocity you yourself have experienced, you go through a whole range of emotions. First of all, the pain is endless. Then comes the guilt. I should have screamed—someone was nearby. I should have fought back harder; I worked out almost every day of the week. I should have tried to save myself. You also wonder what you did wrong to put yourself in such a situation. The events come flooding back, and you realize that your body had stopped fighting to limit the pain and that your mind had drifted elsewhere to avoid remembering that evening as much as possible.
When you finally dare to talk about it, you tell yourself it’s too late. When, on top of that, I learn that I certainly wasn’t his only victim, I’m devastated and heartbroken to know that perhaps, if I’d handled things differently, I might have been able to prevent others from going through this painful ordeal themselves. I do, however, hope to give courage to those who read these lines to speak out—to limit the number of victims yet to come.
I realize that this painful event shaped my future relationships. I no longer trusted myself. I chose men who controlled me and didn’t respect me. When I became aware of all this, I made changes. I respect myself more now, and I’ve chosen a man who respects me, too.
I used to have only sons, and I vowed to teach them to respect women (and men). But now that I have a daughter, I also want to teach my children to speak out. No matter what the injustice, we must not remain silent! Speak up loud and clear! Make life beautiful and filled with love!