I’ve always loved the holiday season. I find this time of year festive and joyful. I love seeing my loved ones gathered together in one place. Before we had kids, we’d go from one Christmas party to the next and didn’t want to miss a thing.
Now, it’s a little different. We still love this time of year just as much, but it also demands more from us: more commitments, more energy, more organization, more patience, more love, more letting go, and more heart-wrenching choices to make. My son is autistic and has heightened senses, which sometimes makes his days more difficult. Too much stimulation at once causes him severe headaches and enormous stress, which ends in terrible crying fits and night terrors.
He loves the holidays; he loves seeing his family and friends, but it’s also very taxing for him. After a party, he’ll need two to three days of rest during which he won’t even want to leave his room or eat. At first, I tried to make his visits more enjoyable for him and for others by making a few special requests, but often these requests were seen as whims, and I had to justify and explain—and justify again—so many times. At a certain point, we had to make choices for the well-being of our son, but also for our family. We had to significantly cut back on our visits and choose not to attend certain gatherings. Sometimes we even had to cancel on the very morning of the event because my son wasn’t feeling well at all.
In short, at some point, we decided to prioritize our family and let go of the fact that many people don’t understand our absence. How many times have I been made to feel bad for canceling! At the same time, I want to say that my son’s well-being comes well before your hurt feelings—even if, in your eyes, these are just whims. I, his mom, know that they’re needs.
Don’t forget this holiday season that some families are caring for little ones who are more vulnerable, for whom going out is more difficult. I’m talking about my son’s autism, but I’m also thinking of my friend who has a son with an autoimmune disease—for whom even a cold could be fatal. I’m not asking everyone to understand, but simply to respect our need to step back sometimes.
I’d like to highlight an extraordinary person who has always been there for my son and who has never made me question my role as a mom. Thank you to my best friend Anika, who has always set aside a little corner so that my beautiful Antoine can retreat when he feels overwhelmed. She would set up a small table off to the side so he could feel comfortable joining in the meal, and she’d prepare a quiet corner with light-up toys for him. I love you, my dear friend—you make our holiday season so much easier.
So during this season of giving, I invite you to be tolerant, to respect these families’ boundaries, and to ask them how you can make their visit easier. Happy Holidays to all families, whatever they may be!