Major depression and anxiety disorder. I need to rest.... HA HA HA!
I have two kids, a husband, a dog, and a house to take care of! How am I supposed to rest? Dad leaves for work in the morning—someone has to work. I have to take my 6-year-old to school and my 3-year-old to daycare. It’s not easy waking up in the morning after taking those “big” sleeping pills. No big deal—that’s what being a mom is all about, right? Always being there for them, always doing everything? That’s what being a good mom is, isn’t it? After two coffees—and plenty of concealer—I make lunch for my 6-year-old, pack my 3-year-old’s bag, take out the laundry, get the kids dressed, and off we go! After an hour of running around, I don’t feel like going back to bed only to wake up feeling even more “wrecked” than when I first woke up.
So, do I get some rest? I get home, and of course, it’s a total mess. I didn’t clean up anything from yesterday or this morning. I lie down on the couch and cry. Why? Why am I not the mom who has four or five kids, who works out for 30 minutes a day, who eats her five fruits and vegetables a day, who’s always smiling? The one who gets up an hour before everyone else to have a little moment to herself before starting her day?
Well, no—Mom is suffering from major depression, my kids. Mom isn’t even able to take a shower without crying, can’t even dry her hair without feeling exhausted for 30 minutes afterward! That’s your mom right now! Mom who’s losing her temper big time with you and your dad!
I’m sorry, my darlings, for not being up to the task lately. I’m sorry for not being the mom I’d like to be for you. Mom is hurting—really, really hurting. I don’t even know why! You’re all healthy! I’m so blessed to have you—I know that! I’m lucky to have your dad in my life! Why can’t I just “get my act together” and be “okay”?
I feel fragile. Fragile like a snowflake on our hand. You know when you try to pick it up and it melts instantly? Mom feels like that!
I’m trying to rest; I’m trying to do what the doctors tell me. I swear to you I’m trying my very best. I’m doing this for you, for us.
Mom has been on sick leave since March 8. Dad is trying his best to help me, but my illness isn’t obvious to others—it’s invisible. For me, it haunts me and is with me every second of my life. I wish that, just for one day, those who judge this illness could be in this state! Then we’ll talk.
It’s hard on our marriage, on our family, on our loved ones, and on our finances and careers. I wish I could find peace with what I’m going through, but I just can’t.
One day at a time, one kiss at a time, my treasures.
Mom, who loves you xoxoxo