My mother’s heart aches.
I know you’ve inherited my explosive temper. Unfortunately, it’s not a choice. A temper like that is neither a flaw nor a virtue.
A strong temperament like ours brings both good and bad. Mom fought very hard, for a very long time, against that raging fire inside. Often, I managed to control it, but sometimes I had no control over it at all.
Tonight, my big boy, I’m hurting.
I know that this time, your words got the better of your thoughts. You were mad at me, but you know what? I was, too. Like two tornadoes colliding, it was bound to end in tears. You screamed really loud tonight, my baby. It wasn’t your screaming that hurt me tonight—it was your words.
I’m having a hard time imagining what was going through your head when, at just four years old, you yelled at me, “Go away, Mom! I don’t want to see you anymore. You’re no good. Get out of here! Go away!”
Your words hurt me, my love—for the first time since you came into my life. You hurt me—not physically, but mentally; you hit me really hard. Right where it hurts the most: straight into my mom’s heart.
Right now, there’s a part of me that’s afraid of the future, my big boy. I don’t want you to have to fight against yourself the way I’ve had to my whole life. Mom is sorry, my love. Life is complicated enough as it is, without having to wage such a tough inner battle. I’ll be here, as always, to try my best to teach you how to handle all of this… even though I know it’s very hard to control.
Tonight, my little wolf, I’m hurting.
But Mom forgives you, because she knows very well that sometimes anger makes us do things we later regret. Tomorrow will be a new day, and I’ll be there no matter what, every step of the way as you grow into the man you’re becoming.
I hope with all my heart that the clouds will have cleared away to make room for the sun.