I don’t know exactly where or when, but it hit me right in the face, like a bucket of ice-cold water. I had just woken up from a lethargic phase I’d been in for years. I can’t remember when I lost myself. Probably somewhere between laundry loads and the hundred or so sleepless nights my kids kept me up. For years, I stuck to the routine with the kids. The first few years are all about adapting, especially when you go from one child to two.
I became like a robot, carrying out the tasks a mom is supposed to do without complaint. I limited my outings to visits with my parents or my in-laws. A few friends would come over for dinner occasionally. It got to the point where my social life consisted solely of work and my cell phone screen.
Some might say I brought this on myself. I think I unintentionally created a ticking time bomb. By staying stuck in the same old commute-work-sleep routine, one day, something just clicked in my brain. But I have this awful feeling that it came too late. I came back to life with a bitter taste in my mouth. I realized that, unfortunately, I had suppressed and accepted too many things for too long. So long that I had reached a point of no return. I realized that the life I was living was far from what I’d imagined, and that I was suffocating. I was suffocating to the point where I had only one option: I had to change my life as quickly as possible.
I started having a social life again, but even then, I made sure everything was taken care of before leaving the house—so my partner wouldn’t have to do it while I was gone. It was as if I felt guilty for doing something just for myself.
Those few short hours of freedom do me so much good. But coming back to reality gets harder and harder each time. Little by little, I’m realizing that it’s not my life in and of itself that’s causing me problems, but the life we have together—him and me. Have I put up with too much from him? Is he the one who’s taken me for granted? I think the answer to all my questions is: yes.
It’s always hard to close a chapter, especially when there are children involved. It leaves you with a sense of failure. But who knows? Maybe the next chapter will make me happier. Only time will tell!