I recently realized that I argue in front of my kids. I didn’t know that this was one of those “Education 2000” issues you have to be careful about. I knew the New Testament commandments for parents:
- don’t scold your child anymore (it’s better to explain things calmly so they understand);
- don’t send your child to the corner (they’ll feel rejected and different, which could lead to social anxiety);
- don’t let your child use screens (they’ll have a harder time concentrating for the rest of the day);
- don’t kiss your child on the mouth (they need to understand the boundaries of sexuality);
- don’t reward your child (they shouldn’t do things to earn your approval, but because they know it’s the right thing to do)
… but don’t argue in front of the kids? I didn’t know this was a new issue in raising our children until a well-known mom openly said on a TV show that she was very careful not to raise her voice when arguing with her spouse in front of their children. That got me thinking. Not about whether or not I do it—I know I do—but rather about the reasoning behind this new rule, which is probably part of the “Better Living 2020” movement.
And I’ve come to the following conclusion: I’m going to keep arguing in front of my kids. When I say “arguing,” I’m of course referring to raising my voice and speaking more directly—but in no way to insults or verbal or physical abuse. For me, arguments between partners are a common occurrence—and I’d even say they’re normal. I believe it’s perfectly healthy for two people to disagree on a topic and for emotions to get the better of them a little. Few people I know never lose their temper or are always on the same page as me. With that in mind, why hide this kind of communication?
On the contrary, I want to show my son how to handle things; I want him to know that even Mom and Dad can argue without ever insulting or hitting each other. I want him to understand that it’s always better to express anger or frustration with words rather than with fists. I want him to see that when you don’t feel comfortable in a situation, you should talk about it rather than keep it bottled up. I want him to learn to voice his feelings as they arise, instead of waiting until he can’t anymore and the pot boils over. I want to show him how to live in society.
My children have seen us argue on more than one occasion (by the way, we’re a married couple, happy and still in love), and they no longer seem surprised or overwhelmed by the tension we might create. I think it’s also beneficial that they no longer feel anxiety or stress when faced with more distressing situations. I believe I need to prepare my children for all aspects of their adult lives—both the good parts and the less glamorous ones of this wonderful adventure that awaits them.