Losing a baby is a difficult ordeal to go through. It’s a grieving process, and sometimes you don’t think you’ll be able to get through this tough time.
Through my miscarriages, I’ve learned that only time helps. The pain of this loss remains, but day by day, it lessens. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about my little angels who left too soon—whom I never got to meet.
After a while, you eventually want to move on and hope for another positive test result. It’s a fresh start, and new hope springs up.
When those two long-awaited lines appear on the stick, the joy is immense, but worry and fear take over. After seeing those two lines, a flood of questions overwhelms you. What if it’s a false positive? Maybe it’s just my eyes playing tricks on me? What if it ends tomorrow? If, if, if… Always “ifs”… The past floods back and overshadows all that joy. A whirlwind of emotions sweeps over you. One minute you’re experiencing pure bliss; the next, you’re crying with worry. One day you have enough hope for ten people; the next, you’re imagining the worst. That’s what it’s like to go through an emotional shock—you no longer experience events the same way. You become fearful, and your little heart shields itself from every possible outcome. No matter how often people tell you, “Let life decide… be positive… embrace your joy…,” that feeling of fear—of being powerless in the face of it all—is uncontrollable. It’s so much easier said than done. I envy people who can easily brush aside all these emotions that haunt me day and night… even now, after so many weeks of pregnancy… the fear remains… unfortunately… all we can do is live with it and manage it.
Unfortunately, there’s no cure for all this fear and anxiety. I’ll never again experience a dream pregnancy, like I did with my daughter, where the fear of losing her wasn’t so present.
Right now, I feel like a lioness overprotecting her baby, who isn’t even with us yet.
The only thing that helps me is telling myself: “You can’t control anything… you have to take it one day at a time and enjoy the moment…” But I won’t hide the fact that this feeling of “letting go” lasts only a few seconds. It all happens without me meaning it to—it’s just uncontrollable.
Yes, when that little baby is in my arms, the worries of pregnancy will disappear, but other fears and concerns will arise… That’s what it means to be a mom…
The title is too long; we won’t be able to see the last words
: “Learning to Live Again After the Storm”