The best moments of my day are when my youngest needs to drink her milk and I manage to snuggle up close to her without her squirming or wanting to wander off. Then I can press my cheek against hers and give her as many kisses as I like. Logically, I should use these two minutes of calm and stillness to dress her and change her, but then I’d be depriving myself of my daily treat—and on the bright side, it’s a treat that doesn’t cost much and doesn’t make you gain weight.
Every time my eyes meet hers, I can’t help but think she’s the most beautiful. Every time I hold my son in my arms and his cheek gets a little too close to mine, I can’t help but give him a kiss. Every time I hear my children laugh, I think it’s the most beautiful sound on Earth.
Sometimes I wonder about the love I have for my children. It’s not that I question whether I love them—quite the opposite. I mostly wonder if I love them too much. I’m able to discipline them (most of the time), so that’s not what bothers me. I know that some parents (especially moms) have a hard time scolding their children because they love them too much and can’t bear to see them cry because of them. That’s not the case for me. Not to say that I love it, but I tolerate it, knowing full well the benefits of rules and a well-established structure.
Above all, I realize that, without it affecting my work, I sometimes get lost in my thoughts, and often (though not all the time) my thoughts are with my children. I recall my daughter’s laughter, the dandelions my son brings me because he knows I love flowers, and I wonder what activity we should do this evening to enjoy the beautiful weather. They’re always with me, no matter where I am or what I’m doing.
I’ve also noticed that since I’ve had children, I don’t think the same way anymore. I can’t do the same things I used to—and I’m not just talking about not being able to go out because I don’t have the time; I’m talking about it on a truly emotional level. I’ve always hated hearing about injured or abused children, but I’ve reached a point that surprises even me. The other day, I couldn’t watch more than 45 seconds of a show featuring a child who had neurological damage after drowning when he was only 13 months old. Instantly, I started imagining myself in the same situation as the mother, and I had to turn off the show. Tears started streaming down my face, and it took me a good two minutes to catch my breath. I’d be willing to do ANYTHING to ensure my children’s health and safety—and I mean ANYTHING.
I feel like I love my children SO MUCH that this love could completely destroy me. I love my children SO MUCH that I truly believe I’d lose my mind if anything ever happened to them. Is it possible to love your children TOO MUCH?