The more these #MeToo-style movements sweep through society these days, the more pressure I feel about what I want to teach our children—both our daughters and our sons. In both cases, we need to teach them about boundaries and respect. It all starts with the education we give them, so I take this very seriously.
Everyone should have the same definition of consent, regardless of gender. Change needs to happen on both sides. I want my children to be respectful toward everyone—and toward themselves as well—because I believe that respect starts with respecting one’s own boundaries. When you know your own boundaries, it’s easier to understand that others have them too, and that they may be different from yours. I want them to be able to recognize signs of discomfort in the other person, to be aware of boundaries before taking action, to think carefully before speaking, and not to press the issue when the other person makes it clear they aren’t interested…
If their boundaries are crossed, I want them to speak up without hesitation. Not to be afraid to speak up in the moment or even afterward. I want them to understand that speaking out isn’t cowardly—it has nothing to do with “snitching.” They must never accept inappropriate actions or words, no matter who they come from.
We’ve always explained to them that they are the sole masters of their own bodies, that only they can decide whether or not they want anything to do with matters of their intimacy. They will never be forced to sit on their “uncle’s” lap if they don’t want to, any more than they’re forced to give hugs when they arrive at Grandma’s house or to kiss the person who gives them a gift. People may ask, but if the child refuses, it’s a no, and that’s final. Sometimes, when it comes to family and friends, we have to emphasize that they have the RIGHT not to want to do something and that this doesn’t make them “boring.” On the contrary, I praise them loudly and proudly for setting their boundaries. It’s not easy to go against customs that have been established for decades…
We won’t always be there to guide them, so I hope we’ve done enough to ensure they’ll be good people once they’re out in the big wide world. I also hope they won’t have found me too annoying with all this talk about consent, since I bring it up so often. After all, kids learn by imitating adults and through constant repetition—so I’ve done my job!