Many people will tell me that I should be content with the children I already have—because, yes, I already have four beautiful children. That I shouldn’t complain, since I’ve never really had to wait several months for a little one to grow inside my belly. I’ll let you in on a secret: despite what people might think, even though this is my fifth baby, he’s just as wanted as the first one, and I’m finding the wait to be a long one this time.
No, it hasn’t been a year since we started trying, but it’s still been a few months. I think any woman who wants a child finds the wait very long when it doesn’t happen. Sometimes hope comes along and we’re happy, but that little bit of happiness doesn’t last—it fades away. We get even more discouraged. More than once before my fourth child, my belly was filled with life—but only for a short time. It was very painful each time, and even at the beginning of my daughter’s pregnancy, I was terrified of facing another failure. Now, I experience that failure every month when my period returns.
People tell me to let it go, that it’ll work out once I stop thinking about it. That’s much easier said than done. I’m in my thirties—I don’t want to wait much longer. No, I’m not making a big deal out of it; I keep on living, taking care of my kids, and working—but at the end of every month, I hope and then I’m disappointed. I’m always on the lookout for the slightest symptom that might give me hope. I’m certainly not the only one who sees baby bumps and beautiful, brand-new babies everywhere because I want one so badly.
I want to tell you, the women who long for a child: you’re not alone. In fact, there’s a whole bunch of you who absolutely want a baby in your belly. I see it because, just like you, I’m on the forums where these moms gather. Because let’s be honest—only moms-to-be can understand how we feel. At least together, we support each other when that little “+” doesn’t show up on the test.
I’m staying hopeful, and I hope you are, too!