Hello! My name is Malek,
I’m 4 years old, but I’ll be turning 5 very soon. I think it’s important for me to tell you this, because whenever someone asks me how old I am, my parents are always quick to answer for me: “Yes… I’m telling you, he’s 4… We know he looks like a much older boy!” I’ve been hearing that answer for a long time.
At first, I didn’t understand that response: “He looks older.” But I have to tell you that I eventually figured it out, and now, even when my parents aren’t around, my answer is: “I’m 4 years old, but I look like I’m 6!”
Why am I telling you this? It’s simple… When adults talk, we HEAR them! And what’s more, we BELIEVE them!
This whole age thing isn’t that big of a deal, but I want to tell my parents: “Sometimes you need to think before you speak! Are there things you could avoid saying?”
What my mom tells me most often is, “I love you.” What she often says when she talks to Jacob’s mom, to Julie, my teacher, or even to Ms. Rita, my future teacher, is: “He’s nice, he’s a quick learner, he has an extraordinary memory, and he’s curious, BUT… ” My mom always adds a “BUT” when she talks about me. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. One thing is certain, though: it must be true if Mom says so!
– “…but he’s really active, he has a hard time calming down, he moves around more than average, he struggles with transitions—I’m afraid he might be hyperactive!”
THERE YOU GO! Ever since I was a year and a half old, I’ve been “HYPERACTIVE.”
I get that I move around, that I squirm, and that I’m a real little wriggler. It seems important to point that out. Why? To protect me? To protect herself? To justify herself? When Mom talks about me like that, sometimes I’m right next to her and I look at her with my big eyes, sometimes I’m playing with my brother while she’s on the phone, and other times, she’s just talking about it with Dad. What Mom forgets very quickly is that I have ears like an elephant!
I think Mom is afraid I’m “HYPERACTIVE.” The more she says it, the more I believe it, and I start acting that way. Everyone else looks at me and thinks I’m “HYPERACTIVE” too.
The other night, she was telling Dad (I can hear them very clearly when I’m in bed and can’t sleep) that her biggest fear was that I might experience the difficulties that ADHD sometimes brings. She said that was what she’d gone through and that she wanted to spare me that with all her heart. She even added, “Maybe I’m imagining that his need to move around is higher than average and that this is problematic given MY own experience.”
That’s my point. I want to tell you, the adults, that we believe what you say. No matter what labels you choose to describe your children, those labels define their identity. Yes! Yes! Simply through your choice of words.
So today I’m telling you: “Be careful!” And just to make you happy, I’ll add “please”! There’s a saying that goes, “The truth comes out of children’s mouths,” but let’s be realistic. With our big elephant ears and our little ladybug brains, we just repeat what we hear.