In exactly one week, it will have been 12 years since you left us, my dearest friend. Twelve long years without you. Let’s be honest—no one prepared me for losing my best friend at age 16. I still remember the moment I found out you’d left us far too soon. I remember my heart stopping… for far too long. My world stopped turning for several months… actually, years. I remember how my whole life lost all meaning and how everything became empty and cold. I’ll spare you the details of my descent into hell. At least, I sincerely believe you saw it from where you are. It was your absence that brought me this far.
I was terrified… I was so afraid of forgetting you. Unfortunately, time took its toll: I forgot things I thought were impossible to forget. It happened little by little, insidiously. I forgot your voice, your scent, your laugh, your cell phone number—which I’d dialed countless times. And then, your face became a blur in my mind. I had promised myself that all of this would be etched in my memory forever. I’m holding on with all my might to the memories I have left of you, refusing to let them go for any reason whatsoever.
Years later, my old friend, I still find myself thinking of you—a little less often, but often enough to let my mind wander.
What if you were still here?
What if you’d never left?
Would you still be by my side?
Would our paths have drifted apart over time?
Would we still be this close?
Would you be more than a friend?
Would you have become a stranger?
Would you be there for my children?
I have to admit, when I look at them, I wish you were there with them. I wish you were proud of them and there for them at every important moment in their lives. Just as you were there by my side, every single moment. I wish you were here to listen to me, just as you always did. I have so much I’d like to tell you.
I had so many regrets after you left. So many that I was left breathless for a long time. My friend, I still miss you just as much. However, today, when I think of you, I no longer see only darkness. I also see color. Your all-too-brief time in my life helped me grow as a person; you taught me so many things that I hope with all my heart to be able to pass on to my children so that, in a way, I can give them a little bit of you.
My dear friend, know that I love you and will always love you, even when my memory fails me so much that I forget what remains of you in my heart.