You’ve always wanted a big family. Or maybe life just gave it to you. Whether you’ve been planning it since you were 7 or it just happened—one partner and one baby at a time—the fact is, you have a big family. Whether you have 4, 6, or more, you’re the mom of a large family. And that comes with some serious consequences.
You feel so guilty. Guilty for spending more time with one because he’s been having a hard time lately. Guilty for not always being able to treat everyone equally. Guilty for often asking the older kids for help. Guilty for not being able to pay for 825,000 activities for them. Guilty for losing your temper with the youngest because the others have spent the day fighting. Guilty for the time you don’t spend with your partner.
It keeps you from going out sometimes, too. Because, you know, going out to dinner at friends’ houses who have a kid doesn’t sound appealing at all. You feel like you’re invading their home when you show up with your whole crew. It also keeps you from going to restaurants sometimes. Because, first of all, it’s expensive, and second, managing all those kids in a restaurant is a challenge. Especially if, like me, you had them with very little age difference between them.
It also earns you some not-so-subtle stares from people when they see the kids climbing out of your minivan one by one. You don’t have an SUV. No, that’s not possible. And then they count them one by one and stare at you and your partner as if you were the last survivors on an unknown planet. And it’s even worse if, like me, you’re young (29 years old, 4 kids).
When you go out alone with your kids, you get some “wonderful” comments. Things like, “They surely can’t all be from the same father.” Or, “Your family is definitely complete.” If you’re just out with your new baby, you get an, “Is this your first?” And then you simply reply, “My fourth,” and enjoy the look of astonishment on the face of that slightly too-curious person. Or when you see a “terrible two” having a meltdown, you walk by with a little smile because it brings back so many memories. And that’s when the frazzled mother says to you, “One day it’ll be your turn.” Inside, you laugh.
And when, by some miracle, you meet another large family and your eyes meet those of the other mom, you understand each other. It’s a look that says, “I get it—I, too, am so proud of my big family.”
But you know what? Be bold. Dare to respond to people’s comments. Tell them just how proud you are of your family. Dare to go out to a restaurant. And as you leave, give your partner a high five and remind each other that your kids are well-behaved. Dare to go to dinner parties at friends’ houses. It creates wonderful memories. Especially if they, too, have a large family. Be proud of what you’ve built. Because having a large family involves a lot of things, but it takes a strong woman. A generous woman. A caring woman. And that’s you. Be proud of it.