My oldest turned 5 this year (2019). When I woke up, I thought back on the whole day I gave birth (well, the two days, actually… yeah, it was a long one…). I shed a few tears and cradled him like a baby… before telling him to go get dressed, all by himself like a big boy.
I was swept up all day in a mix of nostalgia and pride. Five years of perfect imperfections, inconsistent consistency, and uncertain certainties…
Five years ago, I put on my mom hat and never took it off again, pairing it with others I was already wearing. For the past five years, I’ve been trying, day after day, to give it my all to take a cute little pink human and turn him into a happy adult—a respectful man, open to the world, mindful of his environment, loving, and generous. It’s not always easy… but I try, and I think I’m doing pretty well. And since I’ve done it all over again in these five years, it must be because I actually love it!
Already five years of tender kisses, long hugs, dirty diapers, and sleepless nights. Five years of learning and instinct. Five years of laundry, sorting, and pants that are too short after just two weeks. Five years of joys, fears, doubts, tears, and bursts of laughter…
Already five years of being brought back to the basics every single day… Five years of discovering or rediscovering myself as the days go by, while my boys gain independence and learn new things. Five years of changing things up while honoring (sometimes in spite of myself!) old traditions.
This never-ending roller coaster both exhilarates and terrifies me. It amuses me just as much as it drives me crazy. That crazy feeling of being all alone and yet in an incredible crowd at the same time. In a tiny, soft cocoon and a vast, desolate, hostile wilderness… You see, even after five years, I’m still in the dark, in the unknown…
I try not to let that knot of anxiety grow inside me when I see my big boy taking his first steps toward the schoolyard, toward so many changes for him, for us. More upheavals?!?!? I thought that once we got used to this little bundle of life in our arms, it would be over… How naive I am! Upheavals are a way of life… They come right after the placenta…
Five years old, and yet, it’s only just beginning…